Germany is a great place, in fact, everything that is wrong with Germany can be traced to solely two causes. The first, most obvious problem, is that the weather in Germany is pretty much always cold, wet, and miserable. Miserable weather makes for miserable people.
The other problem Germany has is its trait of packing people into tight spaces. Back in the middle ages it made sense to make compact little towns, since people had to walk everywhere. Since Germany hates to abandon doing things the way it has always been done, German towns essentially remain overcrowded with people living on top of each other in mostly tiny apartments. Because every German must own at least one Gartenzwerg, there exists something called a Kleingartenverein, or literally a small garden club outside of town, where tons of little gardens are packed together in tiny plots, so that no garden gnome is stuck living in an apartment.
One of the first things that will strike you when flying over Germany is that there are 80 million people living in a tiny country that looks totally rural. That’s because in America we have urban sprawl, whereas Germans live like sardines.
When you combine having too many people in tight spaces and miserable weather, you will get very grumpy about the people around you. The thing that will drive you nuts in Germany is that Germans hate to line up (or to queue for the Brits) for things. In any town of more than 2,000 people you have to make sure you leave no space in front of you in a line, or else someone will undoubtedly jump in front of you.
Another annoyance is that when you shop at a grocery store and a long enough line forms, the store will call over another cashier to open up a second register (which is great because they were almost certainly stocking shelves, and the customers were bothering them by trying to shop). When this happens there is a mad dash free-for-all to get to the newly opened register, where knocking over small children and elderly is perfectly acceptable. The technique to master here is to keep your elbows about shoulder high to make sure noone faster than you can squeeze by you.
The worst of all is shopping for bread on a Saturday at a bakery in a large grocery store. The first thing to get you in a grumpy mood is that you have to rush to get all your shopping done for the weekend, because the stores are going to be closing early today and there is no shopping on Sunday. The second thing that will make your mood worsen is noticing all the old retired people that have the nerve to go shopping during prime time, when they obviously had nothing else to do all week long. And to top it off, you come to the counter at the bakery, where it is another free-for-all, to see who can grab the attention of one of the ladies behind the counter to get their order in first.
It could be so simple to form a line at the bakery for a pleasant relaxing first-in, first-out shopping experience, but instead, every trip to the bakery on a Saturday is a stressful survival-of-the-fittest competition.
deutsche Übersetzung für Astrid ein/ausblenden
Ahoi, Astrid,
hier die Übersetzung:
Platzangst
Deutschland ist ein tolles Land. Es gibt tatsächlich nur 2 Sachen die dort verkehrt sind. Das erste und offensichtlichste Problem ist das Wetter, das fast immer nass, kalt, und unfreundlich ist. Unfreundliches Wetter macht unfreundliche Menschen.
Das andere Problem, das Deutschland hat, ist die Eigenschaft, Menschen auf kleinen Flächen zusammen zu stecken. Früher im Mittelalter hat es Sinn gemacht, kompakte Kleinstädte zu bauen, da die Menschen nur zu Fuß überall hinkamen. Und da die Deutschen es hassen, Dinge plötzlich anders zu machen, als sie immer schon gemacht wurden, bleiben die Städte überbevölkert mit Menschen, die meistens in winzigen Wohnungen eng über- und nebeneinander wohnen. Weil jeder Deutsche mindestens einen Gartenzwerg besitzen muss, gibt es die sogenannten Kleingartenvereine ausserhalb der Stadt, wo tausende kleine Gärten auf winzigen Grundstücken nebeneinander angelegt wurden, so dass kein Gartenzwerg in einer Wohnung leben muss.
Eines der ersten Dinge, die Ihnen aufallen werden, wenn Sie im Flugzeug über Deutschland fliegen ist, dass dort 80 Millionen Menschen in einem winzigen Land leben, dass komplett ländlich aussieht. Dies fällt Ihnen deshalb auf, weil wir in Amerika die Zersiedlung der Städte ins Ländliche praktizieren, während die Deutschen wie Sardinen leben.
Wenn Sie nun die Überbesiedlung und das schlechte Wetter kombinieren, werden Sie recht mürrisch gegenüber den Menschen um Sie herum. Die Tatsache, dass Deutsche es hassen, sich für etwas in einer Schlange anzustellen, wird Sie verrückt machen. In jedem Ort, der mehr als 2000 Einwohner hat, müssen Sie sicherstellen, dass Sie beim Anstehen keinerlei Platz vor Ihnen lassen, sonst wird jemand anderes sich mit Sicherheit vordrängeln.
Ein weiteres Ärgernis ist, dass sobald die Schlange im Supermarkt lang genug wird, noch ein Kassierer ausgerufen wird, um eine weitere Kasse zu öffnen (was toll ist, denn dieser war wahrscheinlich gerade dabei, Regale aufzufüllen und die Kunden haben ihn bei dem Versuch einzukaufen hierbei gestört). Wenn das passiert beginnt ein irrer Kampf darum, als erster an die neu geöffnete Kasse zu kommen, wobei es völlig legitim ist, kleine Kinder und ältere Menschen umzustossen. Die erfolgreichste Technik hierbei ist, die Ellbogen auf Schulterhöhe zu nehmen um sicherzugehen, dass niemand, der schneller ist als Sie, an Ihnen vorbeikommt.
Das Schlimmste überhaupt ist, an einem Samstag in der Bäckerei eines großen Supermarktes Brot kaufen zu wollen. Das Erste, das Sie in eine schlechte Laune versetzt, ist die Tatsache, dass Sie sich beeilen müssen, um alle Ihre Wochenendeinkäufe zu erledigen, da die Geschäfte heute früher schliessen und es sonntags keine Möglichkeit zum Einkaufen gibt. Das Zweite, das Ihre Laune noch verschlechtert, ist die Feststellung, dass all die Rentner während der Stoßzeit einkaufen müssen, obwohl sie offensichtlich während der Woche nichts anderes zu tun hatten. Und um das Fass dann zum Überlaufen zu bringen, kommen Sie an die Bäckertheke und stellen fest, dass hier ein weiterer Kampf darum stattfindet, die Aufmerksamkeit einer der Verkäuferinnen zu erlangen, um als Erster zu bestellen.
Es könnte so einfach sein, auch in der Bäckerei eine Schlange zu machen, um ein Einkaufserlebnis nach dem Motto “wer zuerst kommt, mahlt zuerst” zu erzeugen, aber stattdessen ist jeder Einkauf in einer Bäckerei an einem Samstag ein stressiger “Der Stärkste überlebt”- Wettbewerb.
Auf Wiederschreiben,
John
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 3:01 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
May 6th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Closing early on saturdays? Where are you living, in the 90s?
Grumpy,
michael
May 6th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
@ Michael: not everybody lives in a big city, you know. And if you go shopping in little towns you will realize that the stores will close latest at 4 pm! I think that´s pretty early…
May 6th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
@bettina: Can’t agree with you on that. I live in a totally rural area - the next city is about 30km away - and even here the shops are open till 8 in the evening on Saturdays - think that’s enough.
Good thing is - you don’t have to fight for bread here
May 6th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Uh, the only thing I can agree with is your shopping experience with older people and the annoyance of not having open stores on Sunday. Being able to shop whenever you want to is something I really miss and I hope that we will get there at some point as well.
But really, where in Germany do you live? It sounds awful. You must have picked the wrong spot because weather isn’t always terrible (only on weekends when one has time to actually go outside) and I myself don’t own a Gartenzwerg. Come to think of it, I also don’t have a garden to put it there so that probably won’t count anyway.
Just thought I’d mention it
May 6th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
>German towns essentially remain overcrowded with people living
>on top of each other in mostly tiny apartments
So you must think New York is an essentially German town …?
Just kidding.
But here’s another German *without* a “Gartenzwerg”. And as to the weather … I don’t know - for how long have you been living here? We had some pretty hot weather in the first few years after 2000, you know. So just be patient. Sunny periods are bound to come.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Bad example
I can go buy bread on sundays at the bakery around the corner without any problem. And this is a small town with less than 20000 inhabitants.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Yup bakeries are open on Sundays in the morning, shops are not. That was quite annoying in the beginning after living in Britain for quite some time, where shops are open 24/7. Well one gets used to everything, oh ya n after working as a cashier in my semester holidays I was really thankful that our Sunday is still a holy day
May 6th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
well it’s a little “tongue in cheek” and need not be taken so literally. That’s what makes it funny, at least to me ( German expat in USA). Of course, as to survival of the fittest - there are such things as ready to bake rolls and bread baking machines
May 7th, 2008 at 1:32 am
Rip, my idea of hot weather and the German idea of hot weather are not the same.
May 7th, 2008 at 1:40 am
Starstuff, I have lived for some time in Hamburg, Bavaria, Baden-Württemberg, and Niedersachsen. I can testify to the fact that the weather is indeed bad pretty much everywhere in old Germany, maybe its better in new Germany.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:26 am
I am living in the so called Residence Of Law and i am afraif of IT IS DAMN TOO HOT HERE!!!
These days it starts with getting too hot and i know for sure, it wont end til maybe November that one can go out without being blown away by sun rays. I had several summers that brought me temperatures of about 35°C (that is 93°F, isn’t it?) even at deep night inside my apartment. Uff.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:57 am
John, in that case I recommend you check out Saxony or Thuringia … a lot nicer here
May 7th, 2008 at 6:13 am
sounds like berlin to me, thats the only place i know where everybody is grumpy.
May 7th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Heyho, rip! What fun to see you here! I don’t have a Gartenzwerg either, but to be quite honest, I really, really want one. Preferably a little one holding a book.
John, don’t you think the beauty of the weather is pretty much in the eye of the beholder? I don’t know what area in the US you are comparing German weather to, but I can certainly do without the East Coast mugginess.
And as for Sunday shopping, I have a word for you: Tankstelle!
May 7th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
To speak of crowded places, you should come to Tokyo for a real “sardine”-experience!
May 7th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
@Sabine
“And as for Sunday shopping, I have a word for you: Tankstelle!”
And I have two words for you: [really] expensive.
But you have arguably to be really bad at organizing your life if you cannot even survive one day without buying stuff.
Editor’s Note: We are still prude Americans, and don’t want any potty mouth language in the comments.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
as a german you’re not supposed to have bread on sundays. on sundays, you eat aufbackbrötchen. and you get them at the tankstelle.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
@Editor
Sorry, my potty mouth language detector works with German only. With English no bells ring when certains words starting with f or s come to mind. (Plus English is a so much cooler language to curse in. All German curses sound crappy [that okay?] and are highly impractical.)
May 8th, 2008 at 12:47 am
No worries Michael, just keeping our little corner of the Internet clean (sort of).
May 9th, 2008 at 11:44 am
The main part of Germany lies a latitude bigger than 49. On the north american continent this would be in Canada. Therefore it’s quite warm in Germany.