If you have the misfortune of living in Germany right now, then you are being forced to endure tough times. Right now everyone is focused on soccer, and you probably don’t really know why, so let’s review some things about our second least favorite sport, soccer, which edges out cricket for being a tad less boring by lasting only 90 minutes instead of days.
What’s going on now is called the European Championship, and it’s held every 4 years, always 2 years before the World Cup, so that as soon as they decide the top 4 teams in Europe through this tournament, they can begin deciding again which are the top teams in Europe for World Cup qualifying.
The Euro 2008 is being hosted by Switzerland and Austria, which means these two teams automatically qualify to play in the tournament. Here are some things you need to know about them and the rest of the teams:
Group A
Switzerland Mountainous people that speak 4 languages. Remarkably good soccer team for a tiny country with no flat land.
Czech Republic Pretty good soccer team, and home to America’s favorite city, Prague. Includes star Petr Czech, considered by many to be the best goal keeper in the world have gotten them kicked out of this year’s tournament.
Portugal In recent history a powerhouse in soccer, and a great place to go for a cheap, sunny vacation. Includes star player Christiano Ronaldo, who looks like he needs to be punched in the nose.
Turkey Turkey is not really respected as a great soccer nation, but these guys got pretty upset when they didn’t qualify for the last world cup.
Group B
Austria Mountainous people whose main industry is writing tickets for driving through their country without a €10 sticker. Austria only participates in the European Championship when they host it.
Croatia A decent soccer team, a good place to go on vacation. Cheap with lots of sunshine.
Germany Germany is always a favorite in any soccer tournament, and always the underdog in any friendly match. The Germans only try when it counts.
Poland Poland always has a mediocre soccer team, so they usually show up for the first rounds and go back home.
Group C
Netherlands The Dutch are always a favorite despite almost never coming through. Fans can be recognized by driving slow in the passing lane in a camper.
Italy The Italians are always dreadful to watch and amazingly successful with their bore-the-other-team-to-death tactics. Italy won the last World Cup, and the Germans came in 3rd place, prompting the sale of t-shirts stating lieber Dritter als Italiener. On a side note, the USA was the only team to play the Italians to a draw, making the USA also the best team in the world by proxy.
Romania Not really worth mentioning
France France produces huge stars who end their careers in silly-looking rages of violence, such as Eric Cantona, the originator of the popped up polo shirt collar, who tried to Karate kick a fan and seemed to pull his own groin in the process, or Zinedine Zidane who look liked a huge dork by squarely landing the Glasgow Kiss on someone’s chest to end a brilliant career like a pansy.
Group D
This group is also not worth mentioning, except that Greece somehow won the tournament last time and it is also a nice place to go on vacation because it is sunny and cheap.
deutsche Übersetzung für Astrid ein/ausblenden
Moin Astrid,
hier die Übersetzung:
Der Leitfaden für Amerikaner zur Fussball-Europameisterschaft 2008
Wenn Sie das Pech haben, gerade jetzt in Deutschland zu leben, werden Sie dazu gezwungen, schwere Zeiten zu überstehen. Jetzt ist gerade jeder auf Fussball fixiert und Sie wissen wahrscheinlich nicht so genau warum, also lassen Sie uns einige Dinge über unseren am zweitwenigsten gemochten Sport, den Fussball, besprechen, der das Kricket knapp schlägt weil er dadurch, dass es nur 90 Minuten dauert statt mehrerer Tage, ein bisschen weniger langweilig ist.
Was gerade passiert nennt man die Europameisterschaft und diese findet alle 4 Jahre statt, immer 2 Jahre vor der Weltmeisterschaft, so dass, sobald die besten 4 Mannschaften in Europa feststehen, wieder angefangen werden kann zu entscheiden, wer die besten Mannschaften in Europa sind, die sich dann für die Weltmeisterschaft qualifizieren.
Die Gastgeber der Europameisterschaft 2008 sind Österreich und die Schweiz, was bedeutet, dass sich diese zwei Mannschaften automatisch für das Turnier qualifizieren. Hier sind einige Dinge, die Sie über diese beiden und den Rest der Mannschaften wissen sollten:
Gruppe A
Schweiz Bergvolk das 4 Sprachen spricht. Bemerkenswert gute Fussballmannschaft für ein winziges Land ohne flache Gegenden.
Tschechische Republik Recht gute Fussballmannschaft und Heimat von Amerikas Lieblingsstadt Prag. Beinhaltet den Star Petr Czech, vielen bekannt als bester Torhüter der Welt verantwortlich dafür, dass sie dieses Jahr aus dem Rennen geflogen sind.
Portugal In jüngster Geschichte ein Kraftwerk im Fussball, und ein toller Ort für einen billigen, sonnigen Urlaub. Beinhaltet Star-Spieler Christiano Ronaldo, der aussieht, als müsste man ihm auf die Nase hauen.
Türkei Die Türkei ist nicht wirklich dafür bekannt, eine grosse Fussballnation zu sein, aber diese Typen sind ziemlich sauer geworden, als sie sich nicht für die letzte Weltmeisterschaft qualifiziert haben.
Gruppe B
Österreich Bergvolk dessen Hauptgeschäft darin besteht, Strafzettel auszustellen, wenn man ohne €10-Aufkleber durch sein Land fährt. Österreich nimmt nur an der Europameisterschaft teil, wenn sie Gastgeber sind.
Kroatien Eine ordentliche Fussballmannschaft, ein toller Ort zum Urlaub machen. Billig mit viel Sonnenschein.
Deutschland Deutschland ist immer der Favorit in jedem Fussballturnier und immer der Aussenseiter in jedem Freundschaftsspiel. Die Deutschen geben sich nur dann Mühe, wenn es zählt.
Polen Polen hat immer eine durchschnittliche Fussballmannschaft, so sind sie meistens in den Vorrunden dabei und fahren dann nach Hause.
Gruppe C
Niederlande Die Holländer sind immer ein Favorit, auch wenn sie fast nie weiterkommen. Fans können daran erkannt werden, dass sie sehr langsam mit einem Wohnwagen auf der Überholspur fahren.
Italien Die Italiener sind immer furchtbar anzuschauen und erstaunlich erfolgreich mit ihrer den-Gegner-zu-Tode-langweilen-Taktik. Italien hat die letzte Weltmeisterschaft gewonnen und Deutschland hat den dritten Platz gemacht, was den Verkauf von T-Shirts mit dem Spruch “Lieber Dritter als Italiener” ausgelöst hat. Nebenbei erwähnt, waren die USA die einzige Mannschaft, die unentschieden gegen Italien gespielt hat, was die USA stellvertretend auch zur besten Mannschaft der Welt macht.
Rumänien Nicht wirklich erwähnenswert
Frankreich Frankreich produziert riesige Stars, die ihre Karrieren mit albernen Wutanfällen und Gewaltausbrüchen beenden, so wie Eric Cantona, der Erfinder des hochgestellten Poloshirt-Kragens, der versucht hat, einen Fan mit einem Karate Kick zu treten und sich dabei scheinbar die eigene Leiste gezerrt hat, oder Zinedine Zidane, der sich zum Affen gemacht hat, indem er jemandem einen Schwedenkuss auf die Brust gedrückt hat, und somit seine brilliante Karriere wie eine Schwuchtel beendet hat.
Gruppe D
Diese Gruppe ist auch nicht wirklich erwähnenswert, ausser dass Griechenland das Turnier beim letzten Mal irgendwie gewonnen hat und es auch ein schönes Land zum Urlaub machen ist, weil es billig und sonnig ist.
Ich drücke euch die Daumen für heute Abend!
John
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 10:01 am and is filed under Uncategorized.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:26 am
You know that you just started a flame war!
Anyway, good job.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:49 am
“Romania Not really worth mentioning”
I mean I love your site, but are you kidding me?? They almost kicked out italy, who is still worldchampion !!
June 17th, 2008 at 11:21 am
ROFL
June 17th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I hate that everyone likes football during the European Championship or the World Cup. People tell you, that you must be crazy if you don’t stop working during a match, but are offended if you tell them that you can’t join them on a trip to Berlin because your favorite soccer team is playing a derby against the Swabians in the Bundesliga.
June 17th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“If you have the misfortune of living in Germany right now, then you are being forced to endure tough times”
Like americans use to say: love it or leave it
“which edges out cricket for being a tad less boring by lasting only 90 minutes”
I agree on cricket, but the second most lame “sport” ever is definitely baseball, a “sport” of such remarkable lameness that the most interesting thing about it is statistics. Compared to this “sport” the “Tour de France” is a drug-free event. A “sport” only an american can think of as made for grown-ups.
Americans, living in a country where eating a lot in a short time qualifies as a sport should generally shut up about FOOTBALL. Thats what its called, because you actually play it with your feet, while “American Football” should be called what it really is: Rugby for Sissies.
I agree on your other observations, except Romania, ’cause tonight they will send Italy and France, both WC-finalists in 2006, home and Germany does not only try it when it counts, they usually win (unfortunately this time they will get some serious asswhoopin’ by the Portugese)
“(…)Includes star player Christiano Renaldo, who looks like he needs to be punched in the nose.”
I couldn’t agree more, I don’t care how talented he is, I just hate his frackin’ guts
June 17th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
it’s Petr not Peter. And I think the Dutch pull this out. Nothing like watching the Dutch side play Football after doin bong hits
June 17th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
See? We don’t have any sense of humour at all when it comes to football.
BTW I was in Finland last week and the Finnish play some kind of baseball too, only it looked a bit more violent …
June 17th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Hihi, ja, und Baseball ist 6-Tage-Rennen mit Schlaeger. Langweiliger geht’s ja wohl nicht mehr.
Oder American Football. 2 Reigen gepanzerter Deppen rennen gegeneinander. Irgendwo fliegt der Ball raus, dann springen alle auf den, der den Ball hat, und dann ist fertig und das Ganze geht von vorne los.
Kann mich nicht entscheiden, was davon langweiliger ist…
June 17th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Hihi, ja, und Baseball ist 6-Tage-Rennen mit Schlaeger. Langweiliger geht’s ja wohl nicht mehr.
Oder American Football. 2 Reigen gepanzerter Deppen rennen gegeneinander. Irgendwo fliegt der Ball raus, dann springen alle auf den, der den Ball hat, und dann ist fertig und das Ganze geht von vorne los.
Kann mich nicht entscheiden, was davon langweiliger ist…
June 17th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Dent, I love you for saying “Rugby for Sissies.” I’m pretty sure that made my day. I hate American Football. It’s so…stupid! I love football (soccer) though. It’s entertaining…and less violent.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
lol, i was waiting for this kind of blog entry for days now
nice work.
btw, it’s Ronaldo not Renaldo
June 17th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Baseball ? Let Homer Simpson do the talking: “I’ve never realized how boring this game was without beer”. Duff
said.
(The episode in which he stays sober for 30 days.)
June 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
You forgot to mention how pretty the Italian players are.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
“…prompting the sale of t-shirts stating lieber Dritter als Italiener.”
The t-shirts stated ‘Lieber Dritter als Petze’ (= a squealer or tattletale), because the Italians told about that Frings-thing… after the match against Argentina.
“Romania Not really worth mentioning”
ha, maybe for the Dutch… (see other comments)
“Group D This group is also not worth mentioning, except that Greece somehow won the tournament last time and it is also a nice place to go on vacation…”
…and this is also not true, spain is a nice place to go on vacation, too…
June 17th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
To be honest I enjoy watching the superbowl, despite all the breaks and timeouts and silly commercials but I really enjoyed the Rugby-WC last year - if you think football-players are tough check these guys out they know how to take a hit. Nevertheless American Football has one huge advantage: cheerleaders, who would be a huge improvement for foorball games.
@AnJu
“I hate that everyone likes football during the European Championship or the World Cup. People tell you, that you must be crazy if you don’t stop working during a match”
I don’t think you’re crazy but there’s seriously something very wrong with you so as the football-hating person you are, you should leave the country immediatley and settle down where no one gives a crap about soccer, which will limit your choices to the US (who are crazy for more stupid and boring sports) and Canada (hope you like some ice-hockey).
If you choose to stay, and this goes out to all the (mostly female) football complainers out there, do us normal people a favour and STOP WHINING ABOUT FOOTBALL, IT’S A MONTH EVERY TWO YEARS FOR GOODS SAKE, SO WATCH SOMETHING DIFFERENT, IGNORE THE HYPE AN SHUT YOUR
FRACKIN’ PIEHOLE!…….I feel better now. I will now go and watch some italian asses getting kicked, have nice day.
June 17th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Hi,
I agree with your comments about the participating countries (OK - I have absolutely no soccer-knowledge) - but are you sure, you would like to have romania as an enemy (remember - most hacker-sites have .ru
)
Wendy
June 17th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Don’t want to be a smartass here….again, but .ru is the RUssian domain, that makes sense because the country we’re talking about is ROmania
June 17th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
@Dent: Amen to your comment about Rugby. My favourite sport to watch, unfortunately hard to get to see any match at all in Germany …
June 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
‘ru’ is Russia, not Romania (’ro’).
June 17th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
@Dent: You got me wrong. I actually love football. I support my team at least 17 times every season (and it doesn’t make any difference if it’s the 1., 2. or third Bundesliga). I just hate that suddenly people love socker who don’t have any idea what it means to be a fan. For them the world cup or the Euro ist just another occasion to get badly drunk and to misbehave.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
@Luke and Dent: By correcting Wendy You’re both not helping our case:
http://nothingforungood.com/2008/06/10/not-yelled-at-is-praise-enough/
Think about it!
June 17th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Thanks for the spelling tipps shaun and sothis, your corrections have been inserted into the article so that future generations will not think I am such an idiot.
June 18th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Got to agree with basically all your points, especially that Ronaldo needs to get punched. Austria, hilarious hehe.
And still I am sitting here with my scarf and will bite my fingernails bloody over the whole tournament cause no matter how much Americans say it’s boring, to a lot of us it’s like a religion. Guess you have to be European to understand, my whole in-law family here doesn’t either.
June 18th, 2008 at 3:36 am
Great blog, I am laughing the sh** out of my body
Have a nice one.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:01 am
@ Hurby: Yeah, almost.
Excellent descriptions
June 18th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
“Guess you have to be European to understand”
or african, asian (except india) or south american
“@Dent: You got me wrong. I actually love football”
Ok, I apologize
@xion
“@Luke and Dent: By correcting Wendy You’re both not helping our case”
aren’t you correcting us right now?
June 18th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
Dent: My correction actually is a meta-correction of your correction, and thus it doesn’t count in this case.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Thank you for correcting me
June 19th, 2008 at 6:24 am
SORRY SORRY SORRY
I will never mix .ru and .ro
(had same side action 25 years ago, when I babysitted 2 preschooler…. and used the word “become”…… and a 3year old girl couldn´t stop laughing….)
Wendy
June 19th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Tschüss Ronaldo.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
HAHA, ronaldo? who is ronaldo?
June 19th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Hell of a game tonight, hell of a party afterwards. If anyone still wonders, THATS why we love this game.
June 20th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Cricket is akin to zen.
June 21st, 2008 at 10:38 pm
SCHADE HOLLAND ALLES IST VORBEI, ALLES IST VORBEI, ALLES IST VORBEI……
Sorry, but these tournaments are all about rivalry and holland is our biggest rival this time….italy is next…Viva espana
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:34 am
only garbagemen wear orange….
June 25th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
haha
great post! I just posted a link to it at http://www.tapmag.net/wordpress/2008/06/25/state-of-emergency/#more-156
have fun watching tonite!
June 28th, 2008 at 10:57 am
FINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 5th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
“Includes star player Christiano Ronaldo, who looks like he needs to be punched in the nose.”
October 13th, 2008 at 3:42 am
“Fußball”, dear american friends, “Fußball”. Fuß (foot) and Ball (ball). Does that ring a bell? Yes, exactly: football. What we are playing is football. No matter how often you call it “soccer”.
Football has nothing to do with the crude spectacle you call “football”. On the contrary. it is an elegant, beautiful game that requires “Spielintelligenz” and even “Spielwitz”. At the same time, the rules are simple (with the exception of the notorious “Abseitsregel”, which most women and most Americans will never understand). Thus, it has become the most popular sports worldwide.
As the German national team sang in the golden seventies:
“Fußball ist unser Leben
denn König Fußball regiert die Welt!”
October 13th, 2008 at 3:49 am
PS: Thanx for the brilliant description of the particpating teams/nations. Hilarious AND TRUE!!
November 18th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
SOCCER (its not called football) is a gay, effete, dumb, boring, [crappy] pseudo sport that comes from sissy U-rope. Soccer is a gay European sport that every patriotic AMERICAN!!! (USA is the greatest) hates with a passion!
Americans are superior to non-Americans, hence everything that is AMERICAN is superior to that which is non-American.
AMERICAN sports >>>> SOCCER
AMERICAN athletes >>>> SOCCER
AMERICAN culture >>>>> SOCCER
AMERICAN everything >>>>> SOCCER
AMERICA is simply the most superior country in the world. Every AMERICAN believes this.
SOCCER SUCKS!!! AMERICA IS THE GREATEST!!!
SOCCER SUCKS!!! AMERICA IS THE GREATEST!!!
SOCCER SUCKS!!! AMERICA IS THE GREATEST!!!
SOCCER SUCKS!!! AMERICA IS THE GREATEST!!!
Editor’s note: Nice, you got the point of the article. Please don’t use bad words.
November 26th, 2008 at 1:25 am
>Americans are superior to non-Americans, hence everything that is AMERICAN is superior to that which is non-American.<
yes, in specific your cars, which are sold all over the worlds. Ohh…or your girls who usually get their breasts as a present for their 16th birthday *g*
November 27th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
@Average American
Would you like to have some fish? Are you really average? omg
@Editor of Average American (the Autor?)
this is sarcasm right?
Soccer = Fußball
American Football = American Handball (or I missunderstood what is hand and what foot in the US)
November 27th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
@ Average American: If all Americans hate football/soccer, then why, pray tell, did they invent the term “soccer mom”
December 6th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
so… i asume you talk about football (i personally have got no idea what this soccer is supposed to mean… or why anyone should call a game football that mainly consist of carrying an egg-shaped thing around wth your hands…)
)
but my actual point is - so football is boring… can you spell baseball? (take your time with that, the game will last four more hours - they are very busy running around in a square….
December 9th, 2008 at 12:40 am
hilarious !
Romania: the home country of Dracula !!
you forgot the important quote by the English Gary Lineker: “Football is a simple game: 22 men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans win.”
I have to agree though that soccer is boring. As a spectator it’s difficult to not fall asleep and consequently miss the only goal that is scored in 90 minutes of jogging back and forth on a grass field.
January 6th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Average American:
you are absolutely right: SOCCER SUCKS. I also find it a stupid word, but that´s the case with many american words for decent european sports. Dont´t be too sad, it´s not your fault.
It probably slipped your attention that we were talking about FOOTBALL. Again: not the rude and savage “game” played by hormon-stuffed gorillas who prepostrously carry a leather egg instead of a (sic!) football, but the beautiful team play intelligent humans estimate and appreciate as THE PLAY OF THE GODS.
January 7th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Acting German again ;):
The word soccer was invented in Englang, not the USA. Short for association football.
See the wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Football_(soccer)#Etymology
January 7th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Spelling correction: England
Oh, and the link is broken. Copy and paste it to make it work.
Here’s a longer article about the same topic:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_for_association_football
February 12th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
ya baseball is boring for everyone that doesnt play it. i will agree, it isnt action packed or anything.
but if you play baseball, you will know the mental side of it (i know some of you think there is nothing mental about it, but thats why you arent making 30 mil a year). baseball is quite interesting for people who understand it.
it is like the stock market. if you suck at it, youre going to hate it. the reason why so many people love soccer (football) is because it is so goddamn easy. ive played soccer in america and germany, and it is easy in both countries.
and ya seriously, romania is crap. havent you seen Borat? that opening seen was in Romania. i mean, did you see those prostitutes?
speaking of prostitutes, the Reberbahn in Hamburg has some sweet chicks.
June 15th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Dear Nick, it’s Reeperbahn, just in case you need to look for it on a street map…
June 15th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Actually ANY soccer derby made me appreciate the wide streets in the USA. Anybody ever tried to do home health care ON TIME while navigation a single lane street in a german town full with soccer fans during european or world championship? let’s have a pity party….