My fellow citizens of the greatest and third-greatest nations on Earth, I come to you with a modest proposal to stop. These last 8 years have been detrimental to our transatlantic relations, and it is time, in this historic period, that we stop the bickering and arguing and come together to once and for all to reconcile our grievances. Under my plan we can learn from the best aspects of each others’ countries and cultures to form a more perfect union of western society. With the following 12 steps, we can transform each of our nations into the best places in the world to live.
-
German hotels need to adopt electronic key cards. In 2008, no one should be forced to walk around with a key having a giant lead weight attached to it to remind you not to walk off with it.
-
America needs to learn to build walls like Germans. As Americans we live in a country with catastrophic environmental conditions, but we build our buildings like the first two little piggies. We could get some street credibility with those Kyoto people, too.
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The TAN concept must be eliminated. Germany, give your customers a password, some anti-phishing measures and move on. Our citizens should no longer be forced to put our debit cards into little plastic devices with tiny buttons for 8 digit codes that have to be entered into a website within 20 seconds or else lock out our bank accounts.
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America needs to build security restricted walls around New York, Miami, and Las Vegas, because we depend on tourist dollars to fuel our economy, but we can’t let down our guard against terrorism and disappoint Cervantes. Instead we will make the top three tourist destinations for Germans in America special zones with no Homeland Security measures, so that Germans can experience the feeling of endless possibilities without being treated like a criminal. If they want to continue on to visit the Grand Canyon and other parts of real America, normal security measures will apply of course. A further improvement could be an underground railroad between the three cities.
-
Americans need to learn that the left lane is for passing only. When German traffic flows, it flows like clockwork, because Germans use the passing lane for passing, not for relaxing.
-
Germany needs to build more lanes. Just like with disposal razors, more is better, and three isn’t the maximum. Roads in Atlanta have 9 lanes, Germany. Nine lanes.
-
The makers of the Nutella breakfast spread must stop selling the American style in America and give us the better tasting German recipe.
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Germany must start building walk-in closets.
-
America needs to introduce a federal driver’s license. The burden of visiting the DMV every time we move to a new state is unnecessary. We can also learn from the Germans that our licenses need not expire.
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Germany needs to introduce more wild animals. The word Wandern brings to mind long boring walks through forest with maybe some birds and a few bunnies. Throw in some cougars and your hike is suddenly more interesting.
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America needs a drastic reduction in billboards and signs. Perhaps we need a tiny bit more regulation to start caring about the aesthetics of our cities and highways.
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German companies need to give their employees coffee for free. As you love to say, one hand washes the other, so the nonsense of having each employee mark down how many tiny Tassen of coffee they have drunk, so that they can be charged 30 cents per cup is ridiculous. Your employees are voluntarily entering a caffeine induced state of increased productivity at risk to their own health for your benefit, and you have the nerve to charge them 30 cents.
My plan contains just a sample of the ideas we could steal from each other for improving our own countries. Surely if we stop fighting over who uses twice as much energy per capita, who is a dirty socialist, or who is barbaric enough to still use the death penalty, we could finally start working towards positive change. We need to stop focusing on the things we don’t like about each other’s cultures and start working to make the best out of both.
deutsche Übersetzung für Astrid ein/ausblenden
Servus Astrid,
hier die Übersetzung,
Solidaritätsvorschlag
Meine Mitbewohner der größten und drittgrößten Nationen der Welt, ich komme zu Euch mit dem bescheidenen Vorschlag, aufzuhoeren. Diese vergangenen 8 Jahre waren
schädlich für unsere transatlantischen Beziehungen, und es ist an der Zeit, in dieser historischen Zeit, dass wir aufhören uns zu streiten und diskutieren und zusammenkommen, um ein für alle mal die Missstände beizulegen. Mit meinem Plan können wir von den besten Aspekten der gegenseitigen Länder und Kulturen lernen, um eine noch perfektere Union der westlichen Gesellschaft zu formen. Mit den folgenden 12 Schritten können wir jede unserer Nationen in die schönsten Plätze der Welt verwandeln.
- Deutsche Hotels müssen elektronische Schlüsselkarten übernehmen. In 2008 sollte niemand dazu gezwungen sein, mit einem Schlüssel, an dem ein gigantisches Gewicht hängt, herumzulaufen, das einen daran erinnern soll, nicht mit dem Schlüssel wegzulaufen.
- Amerika muss lernen, Mauern wie die Deutschen zu bauen. Als Amerikaner leben wir in einem Land mit katastrophalen ökologischen Konditionen, dennoch bauen wir unsere Gebäude wie die ersten 2 kleinen Schweinchen. Wir könnten ein wenig Glaubwürdigkeit bei diesen Kyoto Leuten erlangen.
- Das TAN Konzept muss eliminiert werden. Deutschland, gib Deinen Kunden ein Passwort, ein paar anti-Phishing Maßnahmen und dann geht’s weiter. Unsere Bürger sollten nicht länger dazu gezwungen sein, ihre EC-Karten in kleine Plastikapparate mit winzigen Tasten zu stecken, um dann innerhalb von 20 Sekunden ein 8-stelliges Kennwort auf einer Webseite einzugeben, oder das Bankkonto wird gesperrt.
- Amerika muss bewachte Mauern um New York, Miami und Las Vegas bauen, denn wir sind angewiesen auf die Dollars der Touristen um unsere Wirtschaft anzukurbeln, aber wir können unser Schutz vor Terrorismus nicht herunterlassen und Cervantes enttäuschen. Stattdessen machen wir die Top 3 Destinationen der Deutschen in Amerika zu speziellen Zonen ohne Homeland Security Maßnahmen, so dass die Deutschen das Gefühl der unbegrenzten Möglichkeiten innerhalb der Stadtmauer erleben können, ohne wie ein Krimineller behandelt zu werden. Wenn sie weiterfahren möchten, um den Grand Canyon und andere Teile des realen Amerikas zu sehen, werden natürlich die normalen Sicherheitsbestimmungen angewandt. Eine weitere Verbesserung könnte eine Untergrundbahn zwischen diesen drei Städten sein.
- Amerikaner müssen lernen, dass die linke Fahrbahn nur zum Überholen benutzt wird. Wenn deutscher Verkehr fliesst, dann fliesst er wie ein Uhrwerk, weil die Deutschen die Überholspur zum Überholen benutzen, nicht zum Entspannen.
- Deutschland muss mehr Fahrbahnen bauen. Genauso wie bei Einwegrasierern, ist mehr besser, und drei ist nicht das Maximum. Straßen in Atlanta haben 9 Fahrbahnen, Deutschland. Neun Fahrbahnen.
- Die Hersteller des Nutella Frühstücksaufstriches müssen aufhören, die amerikanische Ausführung in Amerika zu verkaufen und uns das besser schmeckende deutsche Rezept geben.
- Deutschland muss damit anfangen, begehbare Kleiderschränke zu bauen.
- Amerika muss einen bundesstaatlichen Führerschein einführen. Die Last, jedes Mal zum Kraftfahrzeugamt gehen zu müssen, wenn man in einen neuen Staat zieht, ist nicht notwendig. Wir können ausserdem von den Deutschen lernen, dass unsere Führerscheine nicht ablaufen müssen.
- Deutschland muss mehr wilde Tiere einführen. Das Wort Wandern ruft sofort Bilder von langen, langweiligen Spaziergängen durch Wälder hervor, eventuell mit ein paar Vögeln und Kaninchen. Fügen Sie ein paar Berglöwen hinzu und Ihre Wanderung ist plötzlich viel interessanter.
- Amerika benötigt eine drastische Reduzierung von Werbetafeln und Schildern. Vielleicht brauchen wir ein kleines bisschen mehr Vorschriften, um damit anzufangen, uns um die Ästhetik unserer Städte und Autobahnen zu kümmern.
- Deutsche Firmen müssen ihren Angestellten kostenlosen Kaffee zur Verfügung stellen. Wie Sie es lieben zu sagen, eine Hand wäscht die Andere, so ist der Unsinn, jeden Angestellten aufschreiben zu lassen, wieviele winzige Tassen Kaffee sie getrunken haben, damit man ihnen 30 cent pro Tasse abknöpfen kann, einfach lächerlich. Ihre Angestellten begeben sich freiwillig in einen Koffeininduzierten Zustand von erhöhter Produktivität, riskieren ihre eigene Gesundheit zu Ihrem Vorteil, und Sie besitzen die Frechheit, ihnen 30 cent zahlen zu lassen.Mein Plan beinhaltet nur ein Beispiel an Ideen, die wir voneinander stehlen können, um unser eigenes Land zu verbessern. Sicherlich, wenn wir aufhören darüber zu streiten, wer zweimal so viel Energie pro Person verbraucht, wer ein schmutziger Sozialist ist, oder wer barabrisch genug ist, noch immer die Todesstrafe anzuwenden, könnten wir endlich anfangen, an positiven Veränderungen zu arbeiten. Wir müssen aufhören, den Fokus auf die Dinge zu legen, die wir nicht an der jeweils anderen Kultur mögen und mit der Arbeit anfangen, das Beste aus den Beiden zu machen.
Liebe Grüße,
John
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November 2nd, 2008 at 6:51 pm
About “The TAN concept must be eliminated”. At least Germany has a decent way to transfer money from person A to person B. No money order, no crappy paypal. The good old “Überweisung” transfers your money within a day without any fees.
But i must say: yes, some banks do nothing for online security. My Deutsche Bank account has a five letter password… I can’t enter chars like %$… and more than five letters. Great work Deutsche Bank!
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:01 pm
The greatest and third-greatest countries being Germany and the USA, respectively. The second-greatest is, of course, Canada.
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Christoph, I have to agree with you on the Überweisung system. That is clearly better than our stupid checks. If I want to transfer money to someone, I go online and fill out a form that mails them a paper check that they can cash at their bank. Nice way to use the power of the Internet to create snail mail.
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Usually, I find your posts really amusing, but these proposals aren’t funny. First, th title. I was expecting something Swiftian and thus had an immediate let-down. Then:
1.Who cares. Old fashioned keys are cute . 2. Perhaps true, but we have German style walls many places- this is a funtion of allowing more people in the US to own, something we could discuss philosophically at length. 3. TANS- as a person who used to wire moey for a living, I love TANS. I still wire money on both sides of teh Pond and I vastly prefer having a sheet of TANs here to receiving an activation code each time I do there. I would prefer the key card I had 20 years ago at Pru in the States.4. As a NY resident, I think the concept of building a wall around my city is begging the question- the attackers came from outside. I also can’t imagine that anyone feels the security once in- it’s not Paris, after all, where the POlice swarm around with sub-machine gus and yell at you for stepping on the grass. 5. I pass on the left only. Most states do. Some states are more Italian and Greek in their traffic beliefs. Relax.
6. It’s a tiny little country. Why use more real estate for roads when they can spend the money on subsidized rail- which is far better for the environment?
7. I guess if I liked Nutella, I might care. I would say that Germans should stop selling a peanut butter stamped with the US Flag, pretending to be an American pb, that tastes disgusting. And why is Miracle Whip considered mayonnaise?
8.This is true. Germany must start building walk-in closets.But it’s hard to do when you make your walls out of stone. I’d be happy to start by requiring light fixtures and kitchens that one need not carry with one.
9.We are not a federal state. I know it’s hard for Europeans to believe.Apparently some Americans don’t even recognize that there are different bases for our legal system in different areas. At least we don’t need to re-register at an on-strike office building every time we move 2 blocks. As for allowing licenses to expire: have an elderly grand-parent wishing to drive and you will be grateful for the concept of expiration. Note, since we don’t have personalaufweis or the concept of location registration, that is what a new driver’s license serves as.
10. Come to Berlin. We have plenty of wild animals to make your hike dangerous. Wild boar can be vicious. Fox are everywhere.
11. There are laws on signage. They are generally state/locality specific. Perhaps what you are reaching for is a desire for greater Federal oversight?
12. I’m sorry. The general German is what I would call cheap. But I know many companies that don’t charge for coffee here and in the US my last company did- we made a coffee club and handled it ourselves.
I think I may have lost my sense of humor this week while following the elections.
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:07 pm
No, TANs are good. What you propose trades convenience for security.
You’re putting a lot of trust into the banks providing secure online services - wrongly so, since banks had (and probably still have) gaping security holes in the past. If the only authentication is a password, an attacker that phishes/guesses/social engineers your password can do whatever he wants with your account.
The TAN system however, be it a smartcard or a good old paper TAN list, adds a physical token to the authentication process - that is, to do anything with your account you need to physically obtain the card or list, which is obviously far more difficult than getting a single password you enter on some webpage.
I never had a smartcard for online banking - only paper lists - but I think the (very small) inconvenience of having to enter another number is well worth the added security.
November 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Ichkann Dir da nur zustimmen, diese Mini TAN-Generatoren aus Plastik sind absolut aetzend. Und wenn man nicht mehr weiss, wo man es als letztes hingelegt hat, kann man seine Ueberweisungen auch vergessen. Ich hasse diese Dinger und bin echt froh, dass ich jetzt bei der BoA nichts dergleichen mehr brauche.
Und echtes Nutella waere definitiv eine Bereicherung fuer Amerika!
And in addition to the underground railroadsystem between NY, Miami and Las Vegas one could implement the use of the Euro instead of the US Dollar there, too, then most european visitors don’t have to go through the hassle and exchange their money anymore!
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 pm
congratulations! you gnawed every transatlantic bone of contention blitzeblank, now all is good.
minor irritations like manifest destiny, unilateralism and america doing things because they can fall to the wayside in the light of your titanic proposal …
never-mind the current bigotry account deficit either …
friede, freude and not least eierkuchen will doubtlessly ensue once obama builds the peoples republic of america like we all know he will …
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Wait a minute….you mean the Nutella they sell in the US isn’t the same as the German Nutella? That settles it.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Hey, your commenting system suppressed that this Nutella incident is the reason I am dropping all my emmigration plans!
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Blödsinn. People’s republic of america? The scaremongering among the right is such a joke.
November 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
sorry for being a spoilsport, but Nutella’s recipe is 100% Italian: http://www.nutellausa.com/history.htm
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:29 pm
one question about the security measures for tourists en los estados unidos, will I get arrested as a potential terrorist when I take a picture of the golden gate bridge?
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:36 pm
1 and 12 are being worked on.
November 2nd, 2008 at 10:50 pm
#12 is clearly marxist.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 pm
All this leftist/marxist/socialist discussion coming up with the imminent elections in the US, a question arises in my mind:
From all the political parties in Germany (apart from clearly over-nationalistic ones), would there be any a Republican would vote for if he was German?
People tend to compare SPD and CDU to Democrats and Republicans.
But somehow I think neither of them would be conservative enough for Republicans…. and even with Democrats, the SPD would probably be too far left for them to vote.
But who could say no to free coffee… as long as it’s recognizable as such.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
@ian
dear sir, you clearly do lack a sense of irony and/or german expectations regarding the messiah administration.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:57 pm
#12 usually boils down to tax reasons.
Free coffee is a non-cash benefit and therefore taxable if it exceeds a certain amount.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:16 am
Now this is something I mostly agree to.
Just a few remarks:
1. Yeah, that’s something I like about the States. There are only a few hotels in Germany which have introduced electronic keys so far.
2. Something which I found highly annoying during my time in the U.S. was the fact that the electrical air conditioner in my apartment was also used for heating. That way you can only choose between freezing at night or being woken up by the sound of the heater. Because the walls in typical American houses are made of wood and they also are quite thin, they can neither buffer nor insulate the heat, so if you want to maintain a certain temperature in the cold seasons, the heater has to run every few minutes. (Apart from that, it’s also extremely inefficient to use electricity for heating, especially if you have bad insulation.)
On the other hand, American houses are usually much cheaper than German ones, which is probably the reason why the percentage of house owners is much higher in the States than in Germany.
3. It is really convenient that you can withdraw cash in the U.S. without leaving your car, but apart from that, the German system has some advantages. Mailing money orders around via U.S. postal service doesn’t look like the right way to move money in the 21th century. The TAN concept makes some frauds possible, but in overall it works well and it enables me to wire money to friends quickly and conveniently. I suspect that PayPal was such a success in the U.S. simply because it offers you pretty much the same as what Germans are used to for many years now.
4. Actually, I don’t see how German tourists would pose a serious thread regarding terrorism. Maybe the DHS guys should just relax a little bit more in general. The worst I experienced when I visited the States was being questioned and searched for 3 hours, which is something barely any other country in the world would do to a tourist coming from a civilized Western country. Interestingly, if you have a valid visa they seem to be less alert. They are probably relying on the guys at the embassy who issued the visa. Getting a U.S. visa is hell of its own, though. E.g., you have to pay 100 USD to the DHS for monitoring you and you also have to report any relocation to them within 2 weeks.
It’s sort of ironic that those against whom this security madness is directed are usually entering the States by secretly crossing the border, so forcing visa applicants to fill out 20+ forms will probably not decrease the number of people coming into the States from Mexico.
5. Agreed.
6. Agreed. Unfortunately, we have less space in Germany, that’s why it’s not always possible to build more lanes.
7. Agreed.
8. Agreed.
9. Agreed.
10. Well, actually I am content that we don’t have wild animals like bears or venomous snakes any more. We used to have them, but our ancestors finally decided it was a good idea to get rid of them some thousand years ago. I believe we should keep it that way. Accidents involving bears might not be too frequent in the States, but there are some. A grizzly bear is not a toy - neither is a cougar. I have to admit though that a close encounter with such an animal will make your walk more interesting.
11. Agreed. Although I believe the only reason why don’t have so many billboards along the roads is that we don’t have much space, so setting them up is probably more expansive. There are some in Germany, mostly from Ikea or McDonalds.
12. At which company do you work? The one I work for is not charging anyone with coffee. I’m not sure how widespread it is to do so. I certainly agree with you that it is ridiculous, since drinking coffee will likely increase your productivity.
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:17 am
Another suggestion:
13. US&A will introduce REAL bread, not that slippery white taste-like-nothing stuff which is called bread but really is none. Germany will establish a beef jerky industry, because imports are too expensive.
If we do so, I agree to a ceasefire
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:33 am
Here’s another suggestion: America must introduce the metric system, at least in the 3 tourist cities.
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:35 am
really nice post
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I find Nutella a tad too sweet, actually. Try Nutoka from Aldi - more nuts, more flavour
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:01 pm
“On the other hand, American houses are usually much cheaper than German ones, which is probably the reason why the percentage of house owners is much higher in the States than in Germany”
Well, thats more because obviously anyone with a pulse was able to get a credit for a house he couldn’t afford with a nice garage, he couldn’t afford, to park his bigass car, he couldn’t afford. It’s the american dream the easy way.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
1) Beef jerky is disgusting.
2) “Apart from that, it’s also extremely inefficient to use electricity for heating”
How so? Electricity is extremly efficient for heating.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Germans need to adopt the “stand on the right, walk on the left” rule for riding escalators.
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
“How so? Electricity is extremly efficient for heating.”
As a matter of fact, it’s not, gas or oil is much more efficient
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Hey John,
is that you with the yellow STOP shirt?
November 3rd, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Strange, I was tought that exact rule by my father and most people in Hamburg seem to stick to it… however, there might have been a decline in the last 5 - 10 years, I think. Today’s youth (and people seemingly suffering from age dementia) …
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Both have advantages and disadvantages. With the present Word economy basis, why not keep the best from each country and require the others to adopt the best. Then chuck the rest. In the end not much of the US would remain. Don’t get me wrong, there is several thing that are right… Let me think. I might find a few. ???
All is based on Capitalistic Profit gains which are passed to the Share holder. The losses are passed to the Government and the Public Tax System. The bill is paid by others and the “High Priced” managers aren’t held responsible for their actions. Instead they are paid millions to go. Confiscate the entire financial resources and houses the same way it is done with Drug Dealers. Managers would start doing the Job they are paid to do.
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
14. Germany needs to introduce nice prices for Donuts. 70 Eurocents and more are really too much for one little Donut!
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
TANs should be submitted via cell phone. This “mobile” TAN concept works best for me.
November 3rd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Word.
Furthermore Germany has to adopt that electronic voting machine system.
I heard this Rand(Vote)-function works wonders.
Uh…they already did!
Great, another milestone to a better world.
Luvit.
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Ich bin sehr für alle Vorschläge, im Besonderen aber für die Lockerung der Einreisebedingungen zumindest nach Las Vegas. Vielleicht könnte man das auch noch auf die Transitstrecken zum Hoover Dam / Lake Mead, Grand Canyon und Death Valley ausdehnen.
November 3rd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
I get my tea for free in my company - and the best thing is: The boss is actually brewing it for me on request (because it’s his kitchen)
I don’t have to move a hand - just have to say: “Ich hätte gern noch einen Tee!” - And 5 min later there’s a cup on my desk…
For the TAN-System. I’ve got to deal with worldwide money transfairs, we’ve got in 5 different European countries bank accounts - and it’s the easiest thing around. This Swiss thing with the “calculator” is just as ridiculous as the one were you have to request the “secret number” and wait for the SMS… :-S
We also thank heavens for that IBAN and BIC-System. Checks are now only coming from France… when will they learn to transfer money like in the 21st century? Who know’s…
November 3rd, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I’ll make it short and sweet:
1.: true
2.: don’t know any american wall. But it would do good to your energy consumption
3.: not true
4.: get back to time when you didn’t have to proof your are no terrorist
5.: don’t know
6.: twelve is the goal (especially around Frankfurt)
7.: don’t care (I’ve got the real stuff)
8.: true (my wife is bothering me that we need one just for her shoes)
9.: don’t care
10.: we are trying. Wolfs coming back from the east and bears from the south. (The border patrol got the bear, he was brown and from Austria. The last brown guy from Austia got us WWII :-))
11.: don’t care as long ours don’t grow
12.: Soooooo true….
November 4th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Very witty and funny observations, especially for an Austrian (=ergo German, right, hahahaha!) who has lived in Las Vegas for 13 years. The wall around Vegas that you propose is absolutely hilarious. Given the economic slowdown (yes, here in Vegas as well, double-digit declines), it would certainly be very necessary to make things easier on foreign tourists. We want them to come; so please don’t stay away from Sin City!
And the lack of walk-in closets (because of smaller spaces) would probably be one of many reasons why I am not considering moving back to Austria at this point.
Ah, and your point of building better walls — totally agreed. Here in Vegas, houses are made out of WOOD — really, it’s a sight to be seen. I feel like I am living in a Puppenhaus, and when you knock on the walls, it’s hollow! I love my house, but it does feel like it is about to be blown away…
November 4th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I have to disagree with number #5. Or rather, as a French, I would say: Germany and Americans should remember that the left lane is for passing only. (traffic flows in Germany? Come on!).
November 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@curious - yes, that is a picture of me in the stop shirt.
November 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
A comment on #7 - you should change this to: “The italian Nutella recipe has to be brought to Germany and America”. Give it a try - it tastes much better than the stuff sold in Germany.
November 4th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
@john [not the author] - I used to work for a couple really big companies in Germany at 3 different locations, each of which had the mark-down-how-many-tassen-you-drank system.
Only experiencing work at the biggest German companies has obviously skewed my vantage point on several things, like the relative amount of handshaking and mahlzeit greetings. I realize the vast majority of Germans work at much smaller companies where life is different.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I’m so pleased that I’m not the only one who can’t get to grips with the TAN. I live in the UK, but still have a bank account in Germany. I just can’t handle it and have therefore all but stopped using that account. After having had to ring them to ‘unlock’ it for me, I am now too embarassed to ask again.
Whenever I’m in Germany I just go and check the balance at an ATM (which of course HAS to be an ATM belonging to that particular bank or it won’t give me the balance).
Obviously, TAN technology has moved on since I gave up, as I have no idea what you’re on about, talking about little plastic devices and little buttons. Oh, whatever …
Best wishes,
Melanie
November 4th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
TAN? How about HBCI? I just got a card reader and the card. It really works fine! Ok, this costs 60 € but it is absolutely safe and probably I will use it for digital signatures, too…
This is one is one of your best articles, ever!
Happy voting!
November 4th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Don’t hold your breath about TANs being abolished… especially not in favour of “a password and some anti-phishing measures”…
First of all there’s a regulatory requirement for german banks to use two factor authentication for all transactions with financial consequences for the customer. This is held upright since the early days of electronic money transfers by the BAFin (Bundesanstalt fuer Finanzdienstleistungsaufsicht) - since these are the guys deciding wether you keep your bank license the question is not wether you do what they ask but when they want it implemented…
Also, since the losses due to fraud are still several orders of magnitude higher stateside than over here despite implementing a lot of so-called anti-phishing measures, you will probably see hard measures like TANs implemented there too - at least the people from US banks we talk to are usually quite interested in those.
@Melanie: Locking your TANs is nothing to be embarassed about - our callcenter gets hundreds of these cases per day. Embarassing starts with compromising your login data via a phishing site or trojan horse program for the third time
Cheers,
Jo
November 4th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Regarding the houses, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the house we recently bought (in California) was built with something like 7 inch walls, vs the standard 4 inch width, and with dual paned windows. Really you cannot hear a thing from outside even though it’s a corner lot on a sort of busy street!
Not sure about the rest of Germany, but Munich sure stuck to the “rechts stehen, links gehen” escalator rule!
November 4th, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Great list!
Überweisungen are great, but the US lacks another part of the system thta makes it even greater:
The Einzugsermächtigung!
Seriously, there’s a lot of bills you won’t get around paying anyway, so why waste time doing each transfer manually.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
eh..
the left lane is for my BMW only
November 4th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
TANs are great, iTANs are even greater, Passwords are stupid-security and there should be no nine Lanes, no way, in Germany the people say: “Wer Straßen baut, wird Verkehr ernten.” Have you tried the Train?
so long
Peter from the Waldsterben
November 4th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Wie bei JBO gehoert: Mein Auto faehrt auch ohne Wald! Aber ehrlich… seit ich gesehen habe, wie viele Leute hier trotz dem $4/gal Spritpreis vor nem halben Jahr noch ihre Karre minutenlang im Leerlauf orgeln lassen haben, habe ich verstanden, wo das richtige Potential von Hybrid-Autos liegt: die schalten einfach nach 5 Sekunden Stillstand den Motor ab.
November 4th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Jaja, 9 Spuren, das ist Amerika. Von wenigen Ausnahmen abgesehen ist alles auf Autos ausgelegt (oder sollte man fixiert sagen?):
- Drive through was-weiss-ich (Apotheke, Restaurant, liquor store, Bank, …)
- Doppelgaragen zu jedem Einfamilienhaus
- alles weit gestreckt: ein 500-Leute-Dorf erstreckt sich ohne weiteres ueber 5km entlang der Hauptstrasse
- oft keine Rad- oder Fusswege
- lausiges Bus- und Bahnsystem… aber Taxis!
- Fahrraeder sind reine Sportgeraete (keine Fortbewegungsmittel)
- 2h-Weg zur Arbeit
Hm. Irgendwie ist mir Deutschland dann doch lieber. Auch wenn (oder gerade weil) es keine 9 Spuren gibt.
November 5th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
It’s off topic but i just want to mention last nights election by saying
Good job America, right choice this time.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Concerning Nutelle I’ve found:
“vielen Dank für Ihre freundliche Anfrage und Ihr Interesse an unserem Produkt nutella.
Gestatten Sie uns, Ihnen ein Kompliment für Ihren feinen Geschmack auszusprechen. Tatsächlich gibt es geringfügige
Unterschiede zwischen der italienischen Rezeptur, die außerhalb Deutschlands weltweit verwendet wird, und der
deutschen Zubereitung. Untersuchungen haben ergeben, dass der deutsche Geschmack etwas “kakaoiger” ist als
beispielsweise der italienische oder der amerikanische, der etwas nussiger und süßer ist. Wir wissen aus vielen
Reaktionen, dass die Deutschen wegen ihrer Geschmacksvorlieben auf die deutsche nutella Rezeptur schwören.
Dementsprechend ist die deutsche Rezeptur - geringfügig - modifiziert.
Wir hoffen, Ihre Frage zufriedenstellend beantwortet zu haben, und wünschen Ihnen und den anderen Deutschen im
Großraum London weiterhin viel Spaß beim Frühstücken.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen
FERRERO MSC GmbH & Co. KG”
November 6th, 2008 at 12:48 am
“geringfügig - modifiziert” - no way! It tastes totally different.
Deutsches Nutella für die Welt!
November 6th, 2008 at 12:51 am
You’re welcome, Dent.
November 6th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I am SO happy to have learned why the Nutella is better over there. I loved Nutella in France… because it was more chocolatey! Now I learn they’re doing it on purpose.
Thanks as always, John, for a big laugh and a lot of learning.
November 7th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Are not heavy keys, coins, tiny (3 lanes) roads and real-stone walls that kind of medieval stuff which Americans are so fascinated about in Europe?
Same goes with open wires, billboards, confusing parking rules etc. for Germans.
Be honest: the best thing is to experience how stupid/great things are “over there” and how great/stupit it is back home. Plus, people will have a lot to tell when they are back home. If we eliminated all our differences then visiting each other would be much less fascinating.
November 7th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
You know what I really miss over here, gallon sized plastic-bottles of (chocolate-)milk and orange-juice, you should be able to buy all non-carbonated beverages in gallon-sized bottles. I also miss good sandwich shops, I know the sandwich-topic was already disscussed here, but you can’t buy a decent sandwich (= a manwich) here, except - of course - at Subway’s.
November 8th, 2008 at 1:37 am
I don’t know how you would want almost 4 liters of orange juice or milk being opened at once…
I think I would have to throw away half of it because it’s gone bad before I could use it up.
I’m still struggling with price vs use concerning those 1,5 l or 2 l bottles of Coke … but I think that’s why you said “all non-carbonated beverages”.
Any package bigger then 1 liter seems to have major disadvantages, except the price of course.
November 8th, 2008 at 5:38 am
@ “9. We are not a federal state.”
Actually, that seems to be true. Legal scholars consider Germany to be either a “decentralized centralized state” (dezentralisierter Einheitsstaat) or “federalized centralized state” (föderalisierter Einheitsstaat).
November 8th, 2008 at 5:40 am
“- oft keine Rad- oder Fusswege
- Fahrraeder sind reine Sportgeraete (keine Fortbewegungsmittel)”
Radwege und Fahrrad als Fortbewegungsmittel paßt aber auch nicht so richtig zusammen, nicht wahr?
November 8th, 2008 at 5:55 am
i have to say, all of you need to get a sense of humor…the man was trying to have some fun and all you are able to do is nit pick about his blog. blah!!!
by the way, i completely agree w/the nutella. i actually told my mom that this morning that not only is nutella less tasty than in germany (and i’m sure all of europe, because, yes i know, it comes from italy), but they’ve also resorted to smaller, plastic containers here. same shape but it’s about 25-50 grams less than it is in germany. that means that i’m not getting my moneys worth and that makes my breakfast less enjoyable, all because of the nutella……………..hahaha
November 8th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
“i have to say, all of you need to get a sense of humor…the man was trying to have some fun and all you are able to do is nit pick about his blog. blah!!!”
Well, he’s having fun writing and we, as the germans we are, have serious fun nitpicking.
November 9th, 2008 at 1:06 am
I’m German and I have been living in the US for over 30 years. I just found this website and can’t refrain from posting a comment–it will be in Englsh b/c my keyboard has no Umlaute. So, let me stick my 2 cents in and add to this list:
1. Germans have to learn that it is absolutely ridiculous to stand like idiots at a red stop light, waiting patiently for it to turn green, when no car is in sight from horizon to horizon.
2. Americans should learn to eat with knife and fork SIMULTANEOUSLY–they will be surprisde to find out that their left hand is perfectly capable of handling a fork–with a little training. If you cut your meat into little pieces before eating it, it will be cold when the time finally comes to put it into your month.
Now to a more serious issue:
The drama surrounding voter registration in the recent election convinced me that the US need a universal ID card like the German Personalausweis. The standard argument here is that having such a thing is the first step towards fascism–big brother is watching you. But I find this argument silly. At this day and age, big brother knows more about you than you know yourself–having an ID card makes no difference in this respect. But if you ever went through the contortions you have to go through when you have to prove your identity here (driver’s licence will do, but if you don’t have one–good luck!) you’ll know what I’m talking about.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
@12: And the best is: Income tax law even allows giving coffee to employees for free, without paying tax on the “geldwerten Vorteil”.
November 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
@ all
Ever tried “Nudossi”? Old GDR brand, contains ca 3 times more hazelnuts, less sugar.
But I must admit that there is nothing like nutella to eat it pure, with a spoon.
@John
waiting for the next 12 steps
@Ulrich
So you also cross the road by car ignoring the red light, when no other cars are crossing? See…
You should know best that, when germans obey the red light, they do it at least for 2 reasons. First: you will probably give a bad example for any child watching you, not old enough to judge itself when such a behaviour would be of minor risk. Second: you could get fined for doing it.
Finally, when you start doing it in times when nobody is watching, on dark, deserted corners around midnight, it will become a habit very easily, and you will end up ignoring stop signs in the face of a crowd.
And what do you achieve? Save 20 seconds on your way to the supermarket to buy some cookies? Yeah, this must be worth it…
November 9th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Giving coffee for free to the employees is surely a desirable social benefit, however I am a bit confused as I am not aware of US companies serving anything close to coffee at all. I rather pay 30 Cent for a Cappucino/real coffee/etc than the used dishwater type of bitter/ugly smelling and headache creating brownish liquid which is available overall in the US. Just because it is free, it is not necessarily great to have…
November 9th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
@Michel;
It was a joke, for Pete’s sake (that’s why I explicitly indicated the point where I got serious): I tried to parody what seem to be main points of amazement for Americans visiting Germany and for Germans visiting the US.
Nothing for Ungood….
November 10th, 2008 at 8:22 am
When I was in the USA i found it more relaxing to be able to overtake on the right lane. You will think the same way after you have had some “left-lane-only” driver in front of you…
November 10th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
@Konrad: Passing on the right IS illegal. Did you see trucks showing, at their back, an arrow pointing to the left labelled “right side” and an arrow pointing to the right labelled “suicide”? But I and many others do it anyway when the left lanes are blocked by cars travelling at the same speed–it’s advisable, though, to check your rear mirror to see if a cop car is trailing you before doing this.
November 12th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Hilarious! You just made my day!
November 12th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
@Manuel:
Of course it is.
Unfortunately, the opposite process, converting heat into electricity, is extremely inefficient, and that’s where virtually all electric energy you can get comes from.
For every 1 kWh of electric energy you consume, the power plant needs to burn coal (or other sources of heat energy) with the equivalent energy of at least 3 kWh. If your power plant has an efficiency of 40%, that’s actually quite good compared to many others (some coal-burning power plants in China have efficiencies as low as 15%, though recent high-tech plants such as the one being build at Hamburg claim to reach more than 45%). But even 45% efficiency means that your power plant is still wasting 55% of the overall energy consumption. Then there are losses due to transferring the energy via landlines (unless you have superconductors, which to date only work at extremely low temperatures, transferring electricity is always bound to be lossy due to resistance), and so on.
The underlying rationale for this is that according to the laws of thermodynamics, the entropy of the universe stays at best the way it is, but if anything happens at all, the entropy will increase. It will never decrease. It’s simply a statistical argument: There are more options your room can be messy than tidy, so if you change anything at all, chances are it will increase the entropy of your room. This increase of entropy never stops unless total chaos is achieved. If however this has happened, nothing will ever change anymore.
Heat is, in fact, the most entropic form of energy, while electricity is about the least entropic form you can get. That’s why it is so easy to convert electrical energy into heat. However, since due to stupid thermodynamics it doesn’t work so well the other way round, we have to increase the entropy at some place even more if we want to decrease it somewhere else.
For example, consider two boxes neighboring each other with a removable wall between them. Both are filled with different gases. Now, if you remove the wall, the gases will start to blend. Why? Temperature is another word for “average speed of undirected molecule movement”. If the temperature is above absolute zero, the molecules will randomly move somewhere. As long as entropy in the system is not yet at its maximum, blending will continue, until there is a uniform distribution of the gases. At this point, the gases are completely mixed up, the entropy is maximized, and nothing in the box will change anymore until you manually separate the gases again, which will require external energy.
The same goes for your mobile phone accumulator: For electrical current to flow, there has to be some sort of disequilibrium. If a balance of all the charges in the system has been reached, nothing changes anymore. “Charging” the phone actually means that you separate the charges, thus decreasing the entropy of the system but at the same time increasing the entropy of another system, which is the room that you are heating as you charge the phone as well as the heat which is emitted at the power plant in the process of generating the electricity.
Virtually all energy we can find in our environment is available in its most entropic form, namely heat. If you burn coal or gas or oil, all you get is heat. If you use the power of nuclear fission, all you get is heat. The same goes for geothermal energy. There are some exceptions to this rule, such as wind energy, but basically nowhere we will find a nice cable buried in the ground for us by Mother Nature where we can attach a power plug to. (Lightnings are actually a form of electricity, but it is difficult to use them as power sources.)
If we want to make any use of heat energy, we have to convert it into other forms, preferably electricity since it’s so conveniently portable and it can also be converted in virtually all other forms of energy with little effort. This means we have high-entropy energy but we want low-entropy energy. There is no way to do the conversion without losing a lot of it which gets lost as heat dissipation.
Actually, the laws of thermodynamics also apply to the human body, as they apply to all life on Earth in general. If your brain stores a certain memory, such as a name or a number, it decreases its entropy. But at the same time, your body is dissipating heat, increasing the entropy of your environment much more than it decreased the entropy of your brain.
This is what we call “energy consumption”: Converting low-entropy energy into high-entropy energy. The energy is still there after, but we cannot use it since it has reached a state where it will not flow “on its own” anymore. Even if you are just standing at a mountain in Antarctica at a temperature of -40°C, there is a lot of heat energy surrounding you. You just cannot use it because it will only flow the wrong way (as long as your body is above this temperature, of course).
That said, consider this: If you use electricity for heating, 100% of the energy will convert into heat. That’s nice. But in order to create that electrical energy, at least 55% of the original energy contained in the source, such as coal, was converted into heat at the power plant, which only heated up the environment via cooling towers. So you are actually getting less than half of the heat you would have gotten if you had burned the coal in your house yourself. (That’s not entirely true since you will lose some of the heat through the chimney, though.)
As a rule of thumb, it is a good idea to only convert heat into electrical energy when we need electrical energy, e.g. to power a computer. Consider it “high-quality energy”. By contrast, any sort of energy is sufficient to heat your house. Using gas for heating is not a bad idea, except you will inevitably have to pay Tsar Putin’s bills. But that’s a political argument, not a technical one.
November 13th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
@john [not the author]: did you just cut and paste your essay for science class into a comment?
November 14th, 2008 at 8:13 am
@ john [not the author]
That was a brilliant comment. Would you just allow me to point out one little thing:
“There are some exceptions to this rule, such as wind energy”
I think that wind originates from solar radiation heating the atmosphere thereby creating pressure differences in the atmosphere. Those are consequently generating wind. The solar heat, however, originates from nuclear fission. Again, entropy of the whole system increased.
Concerning lightnings: Although they can yield up to 1 million volts and several thousands of Amps they only last for microseconds. This yields some 10 kWs - only a couple of kWh.
November 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
@Max:
If you look at “the root of it all”, virtually all energy available on Earth, including fossile sources, comes from the sun - except the amount we can get from nuclear fission reactors. However, there are some notable differences in the way we can make energy available to us.
Converting heat into eletricity is always done the same way: The heat is used to raise the temperature of water in a boiler until it vaporizes (which is usually much higher than 100°C, since pressure in the system is far above our environment pressure). The vapor is then sent through a steam turbine, where it moves the turbine buckets, thereby getting colder. The condensed water flows back to the boiler, where the process starts over again. The turbine itself converts movement into electricity using the reversed principle of the electric motor (induction).
If you have a wind turbine, there is again a heat-powered mass flow used to move turbine buckets, only this time you use natural heat differences of the air caused by solar radiation, which are usually much smaller than the ones you can create by e.g. burning fuel. That’s why the buckets have a different shape and the entire process only returns a relatively small amount of energy. But, yes, essentially it’s the same idea.
Regarding the source of the heat, there are actually two exceptions from the rule that everything comes from the sun: One is nuclear fission energy, the other one is geothermal energy which is generated by radioactive decay. In both cases, the energy comes from supernovae which, a loooooong time ago, provided the energy needed to create nuclei heavier than iron.
What’s happening within the sun is fusion, not fission. However, the fusion series, starting with hydrogen, stops at iron, because fusioning any element heavier than iron requires energy rather than emitting it. That’s why we can gain energy from fissioning heavy nuclei such as uranium.
Why? Maybe you have heard of the four fundamental interactions: gravitation, electromagnetic force, weak interaction, strong interaction. If there was only electromagnetic force, atomic nuclei would not have formed, since as we know, protons tend to repel each other. But the strong interaction, which is actually much stronger than the electromagnetic force, works against this and makes them stick together, so we can have entire atoms with a nucleus and some nice electrons floating around it, which are only there because of the protons. That’s good, because it’s the only reason why chemistry can exist, and without chemistry there would be no life.
However, the strong interaction only works at extremely small distances, so small that they don’t even penetrate an entire nucleus if it is big enough. Thus, if a nucleus reaches a critical amount of protons, the repelling forces between them can become stronger than the strong interaction forces keeping them together.
You might say that if you have light nuclei, they just “like” to stick together, because strong interaction is so strong, so if I just give them a little kick so there will be a close encounter, they will jump towards each other, and I can use the energy they lose while doing so. But if you have a heavy nucleus, the protons are just “fed up” with each other and if I try to tear them apart, they will walk separate ways, again releasing energy, like a compressed spring where you remove the latching.
November 17th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I am sorry for mixing up “fission” and “fusion”. And thanks for the other explanations, too. They are comparable to Bryson’s “Short history of nearly everything”. Understandable and diverting, even for people educated by the internet.
November 21st, 2008 at 12:49 am
“Ich bin sehr für alle Vorschläge, im Besonderen aber für die Lockerung der Einreisebedingungen zumindest nach Las Vegas. Vielleicht könnte man das auch noch auf die Transitstrecken zum Hoover Dam / Lake Mead, Grand Canyon und Death Valley ausdehnen.”
great idea. I suggest to learn from the Egypt system of getting tourists from the resorts through the desert to the archeological sites.
Just gather the buses/cars in a convoy with some special military police at the front and the back
might want to adopt that for the highway from the Miami airport to Miami Beach
Oh and some of these police units in lightly armored vehicles at each touristic site to protect the tourists
November 25th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
5. you wish, those times are gone for good.
November 29th, 2008 at 8:52 am
[…] Änderungsvorschlägen, während wir dabei sind: Das Blog Nothing for UnGood hat eine ganze Reihe davon, in beide Richtungen. Der beste Idee aus den Kommentaren ist die, endlich richtiges Brot in den USA […]
November 29th, 2008 at 11:22 am
My parents advised me that real bread is available in the US, apparently somewhere south of Seattle near Amish country where a lot of germans settled (possibly near Bismarck ?). In this area real beer, sausages and Leberkaese are also available.
Regarding Nutella, I never realized that germany had a different recipe. It just never occurred to me. My daughter is not a big fan of Hazelnuts and she used to eat Nutella in germany, but didn’t like it once we got back to the UK. I will have to import Nutella from germany (or stick to buying Missisippi Mud Pie spread, lol)
December 1st, 2008 at 12:07 am
Real bread: Over my 30+years of living in the US, I have seen the bread situation dramatically improve, at least as larger cities are concerned (I cannot speak for rural areas). Pittsburgh, where I worked for 21 years, now has a (German-run) bakery that delivers excellent bread all over the city (it also serves the better restaurants that do not bake their own bread). Here in CT, where I live now, even supermarkets have bread that, even if it isn’t crusty enough when you buy it, will get so if you bake it again in a 150 C oven for a few minutes. My brother’s family visited us a few weeks ago, and they found that “die frischen Broetchen” we obtained that way every morning were better (knuspriger) than those they buy every morning at their local bakery in Cologne. So, with a little creativity, one can do OK here in many places when it comes to “real” bread.
The variety remain limited, though; e.g. the densely-textured “Kastenbrot” that I like with certain toppings is almost impossible to find (our supermarket has a German import, but it doesn’t survive transport and packaging that well). Pumpernickel, as we know it, can also be found only as import–what’s called “pumpernickel” here is pretty awful or, at least, has little to do with the German version.
December 8th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
You complain about TAN ? Wait until you have to cope with i-TAN !
I wonder that you overlooked the most glaring deficiency in Germany: we clearly need more air-conditioning! Public transport needs air conditioning, it’s unbearable in summer and coming back from the states feels like being thrown back to the stone age when it comes to air conditioning or lack thereof.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Hallo zusammen,
auch wenn ich einiges recht lustig finde auf dieser Seite, so muss ich doch sagen, einiges geht an der Zeit vorbei !!!
Die Zeiten von Kuren und Erholungen auf Kosten der Krankenkassen sind schon seit Jahren vorbei. Unbezahlte Ueberstunden in vielen Firmen sind die Regel und wochenlange Krankmeldungen sind schon lange nicht mehr Gang und Gebe.
Ihr lieben Leuts’ .. das war vielleicht mal so in Deutschland. Auch wir Deutsche reissen und den Hintern auf um unseren Job zu behalten und Alleinerziehende haben auch oft einen zweiten Job.
Und schon mal was von Harz 4 gehoert?
Viele Gruesse
Martina
February 13th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
After living two years in Germany, I realize that not only do Germans have superior walls, they have superior windows - open, slant or shut. Genius! They should be installed on every American house (I do, however, happen to like our screens….)
(sorry this is late - I just discovered this wonderful blog!)
February 25th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“Hallo zusammen,
auch wenn ich einiges recht lustig finde auf dieser Seite, so muss ich doch sagen, einiges geht an der Zeit vorbei !!!
Die Zeiten von Kuren und Erholungen auf Kosten der Krankenkassen sind schon seit Jahren vorbei. Unbezahlte Ueberstunden in vielen Firmen sind die Regel und wochenlange Krankmeldungen sind schon lange nicht mehr Gang und Gebe.
Ihr lieben Leuts’ .. das war vielleicht mal so in Deutschland. Auch wir Deutsche reissen und den Hintern auf um unseren Job zu behalten und Alleinerziehende haben auch oft einen zweiten Job.
Und schon mal was von Harz 4 gehoert?
Viele Gruesse
Martina”
naja immer noch ist es doch so, dass zB diabetiker für eine zweitägige ernährungsschulung nach zypern eingeladen werden (auf kosten der solidargemeinschaft, versteht sich), brillen aber nicht gestellt werden
January 29th, 2010 at 7:28 pm
…and German swimming pools need to adopt lap swimming in circles! It is amazing to me that the German roads are so organized yet swimming laps in their pools is total chaos!