Q: How are you?

A: Terrible. I’m suffering from a swolen nuckle as the result of a squirrel attack on my person. I am also worrying about catching the Black Plague as a result of my injuries. Thanks for asking.

Q: Why do you hate Germany?

A: I don’t hate Germany, I love Germany. The problem is that I live in America now, and I have an extremely bad case of the-grass-is-always-greener syndrome, so I tend to focus on negative things to try to convince myself that I am happy to live in America again. Also, I am on a low-carb diet which makes me grumpy in general.

Q: Why do complain the weather in Germany so much?

A: Where I live in America has the same latitude as north Africa. That means it has similar weather to Portugal, Mallorca, Greece, and other places Germans go on vacation purely for the weather.

Q: Isn’t it uncool to make a website to make fun of an entire country and have the nerve to have ads all over it?

A: True, that’s not cool at all, but I need the money. I don’t live in Germany anymore, so I will soon run out of ideas to write about and/or I will start talking about (even more) outdated things, unless I can save up for a plane ticket.

Q: Why are you advertising for buying wives in China or whatever?

Update: I am testing out ads from AdPinion, as a new alternative. The Adpinion ads look like this:

Now if you don’t like the ad, you can tell AdPinion that they have done a bad job, and the ad should stop showing up. (Our readers it seems aren’t interested enough in buying Asian brides, so we had to change it up, especially with the high airline ticket prices, now.)

Q: Do you even speak German?

A: My German is completely flawless. In fact, I even intentionally mix up the words wie and als to give my speech a slight touch of Bavarian to it.

Q: What is the point of all this?

A: It has been my life-long dream to appear on TV Total with Stefan Raab. I train for 45 minutes each day on Torwandschiessen, so I think I could beat him in such a duel. I hope to achieve enough fame to be invited to schlag den Raab, before his show gets canceled.

Q: All the comments seem to come from Germany. Do any Americans actually read this site?

A: Yes, my mom reads this every single day, which is why you can’t use dirty words in the comments. We would have a second American reader, but my grandpa told me he doesn’t think I’m funny.

Q: Why don’t you take the time to spell things properly and punctuate correctly?

A: I am an engineer. It’s not that I am not trying my hardest to do all this right, it’s just that I can’t write good.

Q: Astrid? Astrid? Who the [heck] is Astrid?

A: Astrid is my girlfriend’s mom.

Why are the German translations so bad?

A: The translations are performed using some artificial intelligence software I wrote, but the quality of the translation is limited by current computing technology.

Why do the German translations take so long?

A: The translations are performed with distributed computing by thousands of users on the Playstation 3, harnessing the power of the Cell Broadband Engine. Although this represents the pinnacle of today’s processing capabilities, it takes some time. Please be patient.