Open Letter to Bruce Darnell

April 23rd, 2008

Dear Bruce,

Bruce

Please stop. You are embarassing us. We don’t know how you achieved such fame in Germany, since no one had ever heard of you before, but really, all of Germany is not laughing with you.

Maybe take some time off and take some German classes, but please never, ever appear on television again, until you get the basic vocabulary down.

To any Germans reading this, we don’t know who this Bruce guy is. Please don’t think he would ever have a chance of success aside of being a laughing stock in your country.

So, Bruce, on behalf of all Americans that live or lived in Germany during your tenure as Germany’s national court jester, please stop.

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Traffic lights directly above your head

April 19th, 2008

Although not all Germans are to blame for this stupid thing about Germany, the fact the Germans don’t start a revolution to change this is annoying.

When you drive in Germany, you never want to be the first car at a stop light, because in Germany they put the traffic light on your side of the street instead of across the street. This causes you to have to lean forward and sort of look around your rear view mirror to try to catch a glimpse of the traffic light directly above your head.

Since Germans have realized that they chose a rather moronic place to put their traffic lights, they often place an extra traffic light lower on pole that holds the crossbeam for the benefit of the first car at the light. That person need not look straight up, they can also look straight across the car, unless there is a passenger in the car, who would then block the view.

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Typical German Traffic Light

Germans have bad taste in music

April 18th, 2008

Although most Germans will argue against this point, it can be proven that Germans have bad taste in music with a few simple facts.

Exhibit A

The biggest musician of all time to come out of Germany is a guy name Herbert Grönemeyer. That’s right, their biggest star ever is a guy you have never heard of. And before you say, “but wait Falco was German”, that’s not true, Falco was actually Austrian (that little country that made a good setting for The Sound of Music, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and those little sausages that come in a can).

Exhibit B

Another fact that proves Germans have terrible taste in music is that every German has bought a David Hasselhoff album.

Exhibit C

The music you do know from Germany is Rammstein’s hit “Du Hast” and Nena’s 99 Luftballons (99 Red Balloons) . Well, that Nena song is actually pretty sweet.

Exhibit D

An actual music video from the Hoff that every German loves, or at one time did love, or at least knows the words to:



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Germans drive binary

April 18th, 2008

You will encounter this whenever riding in a car that a German is driving. The normal flow of driving is to wait for the traffic light to turn green, then gradually accelerate up to cruising speed, cruise as long as no objects prohibit further travel, and upon observing a hindrance to slowly decelerate.

Not a German. A German only stops accelerating as fast as possible at the last possible moment, so that they can stomp on the brake pedal just in time to avoid collision. Even though gas costs $20 per gallon in Germany, this doesn’t prevent the senseless waste of gas or needless cause of stress and motion-sickness.

German traffic lights even warn you ahead of time with a yellow and red light that the signal is just about to turn green, so you can start revving your engine to race to the next red light.

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Perpetual handshaking and timely greetings.

April 18th, 2008

If you are going to work in Germany, get ready to shake the hand of every colleague you have every day. In America, we generally shake hands when first meeting someone, or if we haven’t seen each other in a very long time. Germans on the other hand want to shake hands one time per day.

Sometimes you will forget with which colleagues you have already shaken hands, and you may try to reshake and your colleague will begin to extend his or her hand until the moment of realization that that would be two shakes in one day, and one or both of you must jerk your hand away and exclaim “wir hatten schon!,” because shaking hands twice in one day is just as unacceptable as eating two warm meals in one day.

On occasion the German you greet may be unable to offer you his hand because he has them both full, has dirty hands, or is sick (you can tell because they will wear a scarf around their neck, without exception), at which point you will be offered a wrist or an elbow, which you are obliged to awkwardly shake.

If one arrives a little late and it would cause an interruption to make way through the room shaking with each individual, it will suffice to knock on a table. It is understood that you have in this way greeted everyone in the room. You will get bonus points as a German insider if you yell out, “Es gilt”, so that everyone knows they have been greeted.

On the subject of greetings, you must always check your watch before offering a greeting, because the standard greeting changes throughout out the day. Of course in the morning you say guten Morgen, but at about 11 a.m. Germans switch it over to mahlzeit or literally translated “meal time”. This can extend well into the afternoon until it becomes a more natural guten Tag.

Telling people it is meal time for like 3 hours at midday weird. It should be stopped.

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