Germans can be anything they want to be

July 10th, 2008

As long as they decide on what it will be before they hit puberty.

Germans believe in creating optimized social systems, and that includes their educational system. In America we lump almost all students together through high school, where the biggest concerns are winning sports championships and finding a good-looking classmate to take to the prom. In every high school in America, you will have kids toiling away in an effort to be accepted into one of the most prestigious universities in the world studying along side kids who are nearly smart enough to become janitors one day.

In Germany, on the other hand, these kids would have long been segregated into 3 different types of schools.  So when German kids grow so old that they have to start writing their age with two digits, they need to begin worrying about their future career, because they are about to be branched off into either a school that will teach them what they need to know to become a doctor or a school to help them become a plumber.

Germans are remarkably inflexible in changing careers, whereas Americans don’t seem to have much of a problem redefining themselves whenever market conditions will reward this behavior. In Germany you can study to become a waiter for three years, whereas in America this process takes about 1 shift. So if your career is important to you in Germany, you need to make the right decision early, because switching later will be nearly impossible. The difference in your education and occupation can have far reaching consequences on your socioeconomic status in Germany, and will likely be the sole determining factor of whether you live life as a lower-middle class or mid-middle class citizen. (Essentially whether you will drive a Twingo or a Mercedes).

The dual-system as they call it in Germany is equivalent to our system of vo-techs and college drop-outs.  In Germany those less interested in academics are funneled out of theoretical learning and into practical training at an early age. The nerds are stuck with one extra year of high school, but with the benefit of not having to share school grounds with the flunkies for the final years of their secondary education.

Whereas we tell our teenagers they can be anything they want to be and let them fail at attaining their dreams in college, Germans avoid these wasted 12 to 18 months of misguided educational efforts and instead replace them with an equivalent amount of wasted time in mandatory armed forces service.

In the end you have Americans that aren’t really experts at anything but still believe they can do everything, and Germans who are extreme specialists in their area but are reluctant to do anything outside their immediate job description.

Both systems have their charm, but the correct system is the American one, because it has inspired dozens of films of international acclaim revolving around high school, whereas there has never been a major motion picture about the German Gymnasium.

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False Friends - Curry / curry

July 9th, 2008

Related languages can be very deceptive,  especially German and English, since they have an enormous amount of cognates. People think that the German language may be easy to learn as a native English speaker because at first glance, so many words appear to be almost identical in both languages, such as “hand”, “arm”, “finger”, “house”, and “gesundheit”. The real problem occurs though when words sound the same but have different meanings in their respective languages, and this is exacerbated when the words are even spelled the same way in both instances, as in our culprit here: curry.

Sausage with yellow food coloringIn America, curry indicates a dish of Asian persuasion, which is divisive in that its consumer will either love it or hate it, because it will be very flavorful and quite likely very spicy. In Germany, curry indicates that the dish will be yellow.

Our cultures’ adoption of curry into our cuisines parallels our socio-economic values. In America, we unabashedly use curry to split ourselves into those who revel in its flavor and those who suffer under its spiciness. Love it or leave it.

In Germany, there are no curry winners and losers, since curry is just a tool to make bland food remain bland but take on a hint of yellow and seem somehow exotic. No one is really going to enjoy the fruits of spicy excessiveness, and as a trade-off no one is really going to get left behind. No one really wins, but no one really loses. Just how the Germans like it.

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Quick Tipp - It’s ok to be an Ami

July 7th, 2008

If you move to Germany, be prepared to be called an Ami, for your fellow countrymen to be referred to as die Amis, and your country as Amiland. It’s ok. Don’t get bent out of shape about it.

Look, we all know America isn’t the most popular place right now, but you don’t need be too sensitive here. That’s just the way Germans talk about things in way that is either endearing or disrespectful, or a little of both. If your name is Michael, you’re gonna be called Michi, if Helmut then Heli, if Schweinsteiger then Schweini, and if you’re American, then Ami. It’s only natural.

Since Germans are even more politically correct than we are, they feel like they have to say the awkward term “US-American” to designate us from Canadians and the other countries around these continents, even though those guys would never refer to themselves as Americans, and no one ever refers to the people of these countries collectively as the Americans.  With the term Ami, however, Germans can save themselves 4 syllables and a hyphen.

However, if the word Ami has any prefix in front of it, then you know its derogatory. Then it’s ok to get bent out of shape.

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Germans sweat the small stuff

July 4th, 2008

In America we think big, so we always forgive a little slack and assume things will work out more or less equal in the end. The Germans don’t. Germans worry about making sure things are done exactly, every single time.

If you ask a German why he doesn’t like ice in his drink, he will respond with an answer such as that the ice will melt and make the drink too watery. He may not consciously know it, but the German is lying to you, because the real reason the German doesn’t want ice in his drink is because it takes away his ability to see whether he received a drink that was filled with exactly the correct quantity of liquid. That is why every single glass in Germany has a line drawn on it to indicate the exact level for a fair drink. 0.19 or 0.21 liters of diet coke just doesn’t cut it, the glass must be filled to 0.2000 ± 0 liters.

In fact, Germans are so obsessed with making things exactly fair that they have a system of paying for public broadcasting, wherein each household tells a federal agency which of the following they have in their possession: a television set, radio, car radio, computer monitor, mobile phone, and navigation system. Because you could possibly use these devices to garner information from the public broadcasts, you must pay a monthly fee for each of these devices.

That’s right, in 2008, Germany still tries to find the families who don’t own a television set to make sure they aren’t unfairly forced to pay for public broadcasting. It costs Germany about 250 million dollars a year to figure out which 25 people out of the 80 million in their country don’t own a television set and shouldn’t be forced to pay for a public good.

The majority of the 79,999,975 people that do own a television set will actually unplug this TV from the outlet when they are not watching it, so that they can save on electricity, since that tiny little red light on the front and the little circuit to watch for the remote control signal together consume 0.1 Watts. In America, we say “Aw shucks, forget about it, it’s a drop in the bucket”, whereas the Germans say, “Hey cut that out, it’s another drop in our bucket!”

When you live in an apartment in Germany, it will benefit you to also sweat the small stuff, since your actual utility costs will with 100% certainty be checked against your projected costs included in the rent, and you will be forced to pay every cent of consumption beyond the projections.

A warning is in order for Americans that decide to live abroad in Germany: The utility company probably has to enter your apartment to read the meters (since Germans aren’t smart enough to put them outside like we do). Since this is an inconvenience to everyone involved, they will only do it once or twice a year. Since your energy conservation habits are likely much different than the previous German tenants, you will get a huge bill after 6 or 12 months for all the extra energy you used. Either learn to cut down your energy consumption or keep some extra cash on hand for this nasty surprise.

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Germans win even when they lose

June 30th, 2008

In America we say that second place is the first loser, and when we don’t win, we start looking for another sport to be champions in, and if we can’t find one, we invent one. Germans on the other hand celebrate their losses and declare themselves “champions of the heart”, even when their team gets totally dominated.

If the Germans come in third place they call it a fairy tale, so coming in second place must be nothing short of a miracle.

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