Americans think German service is worse than it is

May 16th, 2008

Doener KebabThere is a major cultural difference between Americans and Germans, and that is in how we dine out. In America, we always need a distraction, we don’t just sit around and talk, there must be something else going on.

That’s why we love baseball, it gives us a backdrop to sit in the sun, drink a beer, and catch up. In baseball, every game has a minimum of 17 warm up periods, plus a “7-inning stretch”, so there is plenty of time to chat or insult the players. Americans complain that soccer is boring, but really the problem with soccer is that it doesn’t fit into our mold of a sport that gives us frequent breaks in the action for chances to talk.

Our collective national attention deficit disorder extends to dining out as well. We want to walk into the door, be greeted immediately, get shown to a table, get greeted by the waitress within 2 minutes, have drinks delivered within 5 minutes, and have the meal finished within 30 minutes. Within 3 minutes of our last bite, we want to have the check payed for so we can move on to the next distraction. Our number one complaint at restaurants is that the check took too long. Americans have always just been lookin for freedom, and we absolutely hate the feeling of being held hostage by a waitress not giving us the check.

Herein lies the source of all cultural misunderstandings at restaurants between our two proud nations.

Germans want to get the check only after they have asked for it, because they view it as pushy by the waitress to throw the check on the table, as if to say “get out of here, now”. In America, it is a given that we want to get out of there right now.

Germans usually want to sit and have a few more drinks and chat a while before going home, because dinner and socializing are enough for Europeans. If Americans want to have a few more drinks and chat, we have to go somewhere with either TV’s on all the walls, pool tables, or some kind of video game to keep us distracted.

So if you are dining out in Germany, here are the rules to not be completely annoyed by a lack of service.

  1. Go look for a table yourself, no one is going to greet you and show you to a table.
  2. If there are none available, move on to the next restaurant, because the people aren’t leaving anytime soon (if you are in Bavaria its ok to just join someone else’s table if there is space. You can just ignore them like other people sitting across from you on the subway, or throw in some small talk, if you want).
  3. If you don’t know what you want, order Wiener Schnitzel, you will never go wrong. Put some mayonnaise on your fries, its actually really good to dip fatty potatoes into a fatty sauce.
  4. When you want something, such as the check, its your job to grab the waitress’ attention.

Germans have the legitimate complaint about American wait staff, that they constantly pester you and interrupt your discussions to ask you 47 times if everybody’s doing ok over here.

Our complaints for Germany is that they don’t often make themselves available to ask for the check, and just assume that you don’t have any other plans for the night, so speed couldn’t possibly be an issue.

If your order wasn’t what you were expecting because of some kind of miscommunication or mix up, your waitress in Germany will always matter-of-factly explain to you that that is what you ordered, and that is what you are getting.

But the thing that is very strange is that the German waitress first ask you after you have finished your entire meal if it tasted good. That way its too late to do anything to fix it, which we expect American restaurants to do for us, if we aren’t satisfied. (One hint for the Germans, if you complain enough at a restaurant, you will get free stuff in America).

Last tip for Americans, if you want to avoid spending a lot of time dining out, because you want to do other things, ask a local kid where the best Döner Kebab in town is. It’s kind of a Germanized Turkish treat similar to a Gyro, that will be served up quick, is fairly healthy for fast food, and really beats going to the Embassy. Memorize this phrase to order: “Einmal Döner normalfleisch mit ohne Zwiebel scharf, bidde,” and enjoy the food that Germans miss the most when they are abroad.

And one last helpful tip for any Germans that want to take advantage of free refills in America: you won’t get any more as soon as you pay your bill. In America, that super friendly waitress will cease to acknowledge your existence the instant you have settled up.

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Quick Tipp - tipping

May 16th, 2008

Most Germans don’t understand tipping in America, just as most Americans don’t understand tipping in Germany.

In America, your waiter is dependent on tips to survive, because their minimum wage is just over $2/hour, and the US dollar doesn’t go too far anymore. That’s why we have the standard guideline of 15% which we adjust up or down based on whether the waiter squatted down to eye level with us, wore enough pieces of flare, drew a smiley face on the check, or let our food get cold by taking a smoke break out back. Germans often don’t know that they are supposed to add 3% whenever the waiter makes physical contact with them.

Americans try to tip nonchalantly by saying either “keep the change”, or leaving money on the table for them to pick up later. Most of the time we pay with a credit card while dining out, which baffles Germans that they run our transaction through the credit system and give us a receipt, and then we change the amount of transaction while signing. What happens here is that the restaurant will adjust the transaction amount by the tip amount at the end of the day. This is generally done under the supervision of the manager, so that waiters don’t steal from you. If you do pay by credit card, it is a good idea to check a few days later that the amount charged matches up, which it does 99% of the time.

If you are a typical German, you will drink 5 Budweisers and explain to everyone around you that it is not real Budweiser and that it tastes like water. After that, you may not be able to add numbers anymore so if you pay by credit card, the amount you actually tip is number you write down as the tip not the sum you wrote down. If you add it up wrong, your lack of math skills will be ignored.

If you really like the waiter, the best is to tip them with cash, because then they aren’t forced to pay taxes, if they don’t want to.

In Germany the waitresses aren’t so dependent on the tips, because they make a higher wage. But that doesn’t mean people don’t tip in Germany; they just don’t tip as much. It seems to be a rumor that you don’t have to tip in Europe at all, so many tourists insist on showing they are savy by never tipping, but the majority of Germans give a small tip, usually by rounding up the check to the next whole Euro or adding a few more to it for parties larger than 1 (Splitting the check is the norm in Germany, which makes it convenient to dine with friends). While paying your waitress just tell her how much the bill should be with the tip included, and she’ll give you the rest as change, and you don’t have to worry about leaving it on the table.

Bottom line on tipping in Germany, if the service was terrible, don’t tip anything. If the service was good, show some appreciation, you just don’t need to throw down 20%, because you’ll make an awkward situation where the waitress thinks you don’t know what you’re doing.

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Quick Tipp - blending in

May 15th, 2008

We Americans know we have a pretty lousy stigma at the moment throughout the world, and in Germany its not much different. That’s why we sew Canadian flags on our backpacks to try to be more accepted abroad.

Another way to try to slip under the radar is to make sure you leave your white socks at home. While its not really cool in America, it is an absolute no no in Germany.

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Germans wonder why Americans think of Bavaria when they think of Germany

May 15th, 2008

neuschwanstein.jpgOne baffling thing about Germans is that 90% of them honestly wonder why Americans immediately think of Bavaria as soon as Germany is mentioned. The remaining 10% are all Bavarian.

Germans, try this experiment with me: Picture a stereotypical Bavarian. OK, done? Let me guess, you thought of either a girl wearing a dirndl or some dude with a huge mustache wearing lederhosen. Now think of a stereotypical German from Hessen. You can’t and neither can we.

Americans are not the least bit ashamed to ignore the rest of Germany, because Bavaria is exactly what we are looking for. We come to Europe to see old stuff. In Munich we can see buildings that are nearly 60 years old. We read the same fairy tales as you growing up (ok, well our fairy tales edit out all the really creepy stuff you’ve got) and we want see a real castle that makes us think those fairy tales could have really happened. Neuschwanstein gives us that hope.

But most importantly, we don’t have the time to learn the culture and pick up on subtleties, because we only get two weeks of vacation per year. We want stuff that is big and obvious, and Bavaria is pretty much the only place that delivers for us. Americans love big stuff and that’s what Bavaria gives us, beer in one liter mugs, huge pretzels, haxn, and the Alps.

We love Bavaria, because its Germany’s version of Texas: They’re big. They’re mostly rural. Despite being rural, they’re hotbeds for industry and high tech companies. They’re way down south. People talk with a funny accent there. They remember when they were their own countries and wish they would become their own country again. The rest of the country doesn’t really like them, and the people there don’t really like the rest of the country.

And the best part is that in both Texas and Bavaria, the locals still play dress up in outdated clothing now and then.

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How to travel in Germany without being bothered by German culture

May 14th, 2008

When you travel to Germany, you are on a mission to accomplish the following tasks:

  1. Go to the Hofbräuhaus: If you are female, to get a picture of yourself dancing to polka music with a guy wearing lederhosen with a huge mustache. If you are male, to get a guy wearing lederhosen with a huge mustache to share their schnupftabak with you. Both males and females must buy either a Hofbräuhaus sweatshirt or t-shirt to indicate their success.
  2. Drink a beer out of a 1-liter glass, which you can steal as a cool souvenir. Extra points if this is stolen from a beer garden. Also gives you the chance to say things like, “I don’t like beer, but in Germany I do,” to further propagate the idea that mixing water, hops, and barley produces a delicious concoction only when it is done in Belgium, Ireland, or Germany.
  3. Visit the castle Neuschwanstein, take a picture, and exclaim, “It looks just like Disneyland!!!”.
  4. See really old stuff.
  5. Tell everyone you meet how everything is bigger in America.

Unfortunately, German culture might get in the way of you happily carrying out your tasks, and since you have probably only alloted 1 day of your trip to Europe for Germany, you’ve got to be quick, and more importantly you need to plan ahead. Here are some tips:

  1. Don’t give up on coffee. You don’t have to suffer through European coffee anymore in Germany, now they have Starbucks in Germany, too. Try to go to the inner city of any major town to get your daily tall skinny double decaf latte. Germans will try to tell you to try a cafe macchiato or something. Don’t listen to them.
  2. Bring your own nonperishables. If you don’t have American snacks with you, you might be forced to sample local products. You might not enjoy these local treats as much as the ones you are used to, so don’t take any chances. (Snickers is available if you run out and need to buy some good chocolate.)
  3. Use the Embassy. Travel by car, not by train, so that you can tour the country at your own pace, and you can stop at the golden arches along the highway to compare the Big Macs to Big Mäcs.
  4. Make sure the one day you spend in Germany is not a Sunday. Germany is mostly welcoming to tourists, but there is one thing they aren’t flexible on, and that is letting you do stuff on Sunday. Be prepared for a boring day of museums if you make this mistake.
  5. Plan to be in Munich for dinner. There is a Planet Hollywood there, so not only are you going to get some food you actually like, you can also get another cool t-shirt that says “Munich” on it, so that you can let your friends back home know that you have also done the whole Europe thing, too.

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Aussicht von Neuschwanstein